Well now its been 21 days since I've stated my MC. A total of 21 days. Tmrw I'm gonna be booking back into camp early in the morning to get cleared by the medical officer to go back to my "dear" company. Apparently so much has happened in camp. Im soo gonna be lagging behind. Furthermore I've alr gotten used to the Civivlian lifestyle again. Now need to get used to army lifestyle again. Zzzzz. Back to square 1 ppl!

Anyhow, i'm seriouisly gonna miss her more now. Ramadhan coming soon and i only can meet her on sats. God help us get thru this.

You know when you were small, you love public holidays cause there is no school. Now, i seriously hate it. Its not really to do with being bored at home with nothing to do. Its more like the house becomes so tense cause everybody is at home. Mom now is like a ticking time bomb around my dad. Who knows for what reason, she might just blow. Sometimes is not very extreme but most of the time, it is. Like today. Just a tiny winy mistake and she blows as if my dad blames her for everything when it my dad's own fault. One whole day burned just like that. Till now she is still angry at him for who knows what reason. Its damn irritating.

Is it due to menopause? Its so hard to grasp whats going on.

I've been thinking alot. I don't have the energy to spare to date ppl and get myself into a relationship. Its kinda weird if i think about it a little deeper. All my life, I've wanted to find somebody to love and call mine but now, I simply can't be bothered. Sure I had a go at it. It was fun and all but the amount of commitment would drain the very soul out of me. Makes me seriously believe that love make men do stupid things. I believe all I feel now is lust rather than love. I rely so much on my eyes and my logical thinking that I forgot what is love all about. If that is the case, that wouldnt be the real me. Whoever i might date would see some smiling, happy-go-lucky bloke who has no idea how to love. He'll just be a guy who knows how to please. Urgh. i disgust myself knowing the thoughts that run through my brain.

From the way I am now, i might as well grow old and mature till I'm in my late 20s or heck maybe even early 30s before i start dating again. Oh wait, I'm turning 20 this year. Damn thats not long from now. I feel old...

One year has past.
A whole separated into halves.
Each half hoping to find new happiness.


Well its been a year since singlehood came to be again. Quite alot of things happened in that year but it made me who I am today. Made me realize whats important to me. Made me realize how imperfect I was. How incomplete I am. However, as imperfect as I am, I am uniquely imperfect. Sure I am not whole but i know I'll meet my other half someday. Somehow. Somewhere. Hopefully by that time, I'm ready to commit myself to her.

But till then, CHEERS! TO THE FREEDOM POF SINGLEHOOD!!!!!!

Gosh i should be analysing my data but i have totally no mood.
Looking at all the numbers is making me sick.
But i guess i have no choice but to do it.

Sigh.

Anyway a short update on my health.
Not much change. Good thing is part of my appetite is back.
2 more weeks on medication then we'll see what happens.


Recently saw the Patrick Swayze: Last dance.
He died of Pancreatic cancer. Seems like no link to me.
But the symptoms are somewhat similar to mine.
Its kinda freaky when you think about it.
I'm freaking hell scared that i've got some sort of cancer going on.
Its unimaginable but its a possibility.
God i'm freaking out.
I still got so much life ahead of me.
But even if it is cancer,
I'm not gonna let it beat me.
But lets just pray hard that it ain't cancer, eh?

Met my aunt(senior nurse) yesterday.
She said i should try drinking more milk.
Eat at regular intervals.
So i'm gonna try it out.
Hopefully it works.

Sigh.

This sickness has really hindered me from doing so much.
Hindered me from giving the 2 girls a chance.
Hindered me from organising a small get-together for my friends.
Hindered me from staying up late to chat with ppl.

How much more will be hindered?

Its the last 4 weeks of SIP.
So much has happened yet so little accomplished.
So lets do a little recall of whats been going on.

Well basically work is still the same.
Killing lots of mice and rats.
I lost count but i could roughly say its getting close to 2000 animals.
Kinda horrible isnt it?
All in the name of science.

I got to learn a few behavioral studies in the last 2 months.
Its pretty interesting to watch how rats behave.
They are cute in some ways.
The way they investigate objects etc etc.

Anyway away from work and into my health.
Yes my health.
Not many people,
Or should i say almost nobody know,
that I'm still ill.

Yes, its coming to 6 months alr since i first fell ill.
By right i should be in a hospital or sth.
Went to the polyclinic the other day to get checked.
My private doctor was out.
The polyclinic doctor said if after 1 month i don't get better,
He'll send me to the hospital for a checkup.
Apparently i'm diagnosed with functional dyspepsia.
In english its called non-ulcer peptic disease.
In very simple english, gastric problem la.

Well the major problem with this disease is that i feel nauseous at odd times.
Mostly its after consuming food but sometimes standing too long also makes me feel slightly nauseous. Talking after eating also makes me slightly nauseous. But since i'm not talkative in the first place it shouldnt affect me. Looking at the computer sometimes also makes me feel nauseous. Ain't that a bitch?

I due to all this, i hardly felt normal for the past 6 months. Always cautious about crowds, the food i eat, the time i eat, seats on the train. So many friggin things.

Can i just cut my stomach out and grow a new 1? Oh wait I forgot, the technology isnt fully ready yet to create your very own stomach...

Anyway i'm feeling nauseous alr from all the typing. Thats it for now

Ciao~

Looking back,
I'm like a traveller.
Going from places to places.
Looking around,
Learning stuff,
Mixing with the "locals".

But never making an impression.
Just passing by.
Just moving along.
Taking photos and leaving nothing behind.
I'm like a traveller.
Going from places to places.

Its 1720 now. Another 30 more minutes to the end of the work day and work week.
Been filling up my workbook that is rather void of results.
All the results i have so far i don't know how to interpret.
Been too busy with other work to ask my SP.
Now Its just filling up with the other work that i have been doing.

At the same time, i'm just listening to music from a streaming website.
Forgot to bring my harddisk to work.

Wonder how everybody is.
Not just the ppl on SIP.
Everybody whom i know.
From my ex school mates to the silat group to the softball juniors.
Seriously lost connection with alot of ppl.

Been feeling sort of sick the past few days.
Odd bowel movements causing me discomfort.
Doctor says its nth wrong.
Eat more fibre he says.
Easier said then done says I.

My body seriously has been deteriorating since i entered poly.
I guess its cause i was too complacent.
Four whole years of not going to the doctor ruined by that.

Anyway there isnt much to write.
Just wanting to pass the time by letting my thoughts out.

Oh lookie.
Its 1730. 20 more minutes to the end of the work.

Guess where am I right now? I am sitting in the middle of my procedure watching four rats explore their cage through a video cam linked to the computer. Al though I'm jam packed with work, I have no choice but to sit here and baby-sit rats. I've got 16 other rats behind me watching me blog. So cute. Haha.

Well the past few months of handling and culling animals have finally taken a slight toll on me. They decided to haunt me last night. Technically it was a haunting cause in most cases people would be frightened of rats and mice chasing you and biting you at every opportunity. In my case, it was pretty fun actually. Of coourse they chased and bit me, but i found a peculiar object which sorta turns the tables. Miracolously, there was a baseball bat in my dream. Not waiting to pick up anymore souveniers from the animals, I took the bat and its became a battle of david versus goliath. Of course, Goliath would be me cause the animals are not able to fuse together and become a huge chimera like what you would see in the power rangers sorta story.

Well, in the end it still was a nightmare cause these animals are smart and they know where to bite. They bite at where it hurts the most. Ouch!

Anyway thats all for this post. Gotta go back to killing my 105 rats and baby-sitting the other 20.

Ciao

She's right. I need a closure to move on. What now?